Poser

Standard

I’m a poser. I’m a fake. I must be. I cannot really be living the life I am, filling these roles I play, being someone who matters.

When I look around the room, it is apparent to me everyone else is more suited to their roles than I am, more prepared. I’m too old to be a mother of such young children. I don’t know the cutsie little songs the other moms sing while bouncing their babies up and down. I don’t read parenting books, watch webinars, or go to workshops. I don’t study for this part because I’m sure I’m just faking this whole gig. There is no way I am responsible for the lives of two little women.

I certainly don’t belong in the workforce. Sure, someone gave me a college diploma. It even has my name on it. But it doesn’t seem as valuable as my colleagues’ degrees. They must have had more training, better mentors. They belong in this meeting, not me. What do I really have to offer that will add value to our purpose? No, my ideas are irrelevant, too elementary. Good thing I work hard; at least I can prove my worth through the tasks I complete.

And this committee? Whose grand idea was it to invite me along? I’m far too young and inexperienced to weigh in on strategic plans, philanthropic endeavors, financial decisions. I don’t belong here. Perhaps I’ll sit quietly and learn something. Surely that’s why they want me here. To teach me, in case I ever grow up enough to play a critical role.

Be a leader in my church? Not me! I’m too young. I’m not reverent enough. I have a past that embarrasses me. I don’t know the scriptures well. I’m always late to church. My kids are too noisy. I’m too emotional. I’ll cry.

I don’t feel prepared for motherhood. Housekeeping eludes me. That career I had? It wasn’t as successful as I wanted it to be.

But today I did something useful. Something for which God prepared me and at a time He placed me. I was wise, relevant, the right age. I was energetic and ready for the task. I was prepared and prayed for guidance. Most importantly, I believed in myself and in God’s purpose for me.

What I actually did today and will do tomorrow doesn’t matter, be it change the toilet paper roll, preach a sermon at church, or go halfway around the world to share God’s love. I am doing that which He called me to do, right now. The world’s measures will continue to tell me I don’t belong, but as I trust God and follow His leading for my life, I am reminded there is no one better suited for this position than me.

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