Ashes. The rubbish left after devastation. The wasteland remaining after tragedy. Nothing left but to sweep it up and toss it to the wind. No one wants ashes. No one cares about what is left. The focus is only on what is gone, all that is lost to ruin.
My soul is in ashes. I have pummeled it and beaten myself down to nothingness. I have come to believe no one cares because I am not worthy of the concern. The wildfires of despair and pity have ravaged my body and my heart, leaving behind only ashes. A pile of worthlessness detracting from beauty.
But what if it could be different? What if I could be different? What if all the years, all the failed attempts to save myself from the slavery of my sinful habits could be wiped away, allowing me freedom to grow in beauty and strength? What if?
I’ve all but given up hope. All but. I have one last chance to salvage this body of mine, to allow the forest of my soul to flourish and grow fresh, renewed, beautiful as my Creator intended.
But fear holds me back; I am afraid of the fires of failure. They lick at my heels, whisper to me that today doesn’t really matter, I don’t really matter. Fires of unforgiveness against those who lost hope in me and unforgiveness for losing hope in myself. Those fires consume me, weaken my core until I am too afraid to put down my roots, stretch to the heavens, and cry out to God for His salvation.
Can I do it? One more try? You, Oh Lord, have given me hope, one more option, support for the trials. Can I block the flames of insecurity, gluttony, and pity to give You room to heal me to the core?
Can we, together, create in me beauty from the ashes?
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I love the honesty of this post, which initially jolted me with its stark message but comforted me in the end with familiar feelings of discouragement, fear and doubt. It amazes me to read such self-critical musings from someone I think is so admirable and so undeserving of criticism. but that is where so many of us dwell. Knowing what a woman of faith you are, Leslie, I count on hope being the answer to your questions and doubts. I just wish you could see yourself in the eyes of all of us who love and admire you, and more importantly,how your loving God sees you completely and loves you fully. But I Know you know that. thanks for taking the risk of being honest.
Thank you, Molly, for taking time to share my journey and to encourage me along the way. As you said, this is where many of us dwell, deep in our hearts, hidden from view. But with support and love between one another, we can climb out of the depths into the Light.
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